How to Support a Loved One with an Eating Disorder
About 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men will develop an eating disorder in their lifetime. Many people feel lost when they are trying to support a loved one with an eating disorder. What do I say? More importantly, what do I not say? This blog post should answer some of these questions along the way.
First and foremost, as an eating disorder dietitian, I often get questions about what recovery will look like. I wish I could tell friends and family that work will only be needed for a few months or they will be cured by a certain time. The hard truth is this: Neither myself nor any other eating disorder professional knows what recovery will look like. Recovery is complicated and highly individualized. It isn’t a one-size-fits-all treatment. What is helpful to one may be harmful to another. I do know that recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. And unfortunately, some people cycle through periods of eating disorder behaviors. Your job as a loved one is to foster safety amidst the ebbs and flows.
Another difficult truth is that eating disorders come at a cost. Your loved one may miss out on opportunities because of their ED. It is not your job to protect them from these disappointments. It may be important for your loved one to face the consequences of their ED. Be supportive and hold space for the disappointments and missed opportunities. Provide resources when you can.
How to Support Your Loved One
Educate Yourself - EDs are complex mental health conditions. They are not about vanity. Often, it is about control, emotional regulation, or self-perception, but not in all cases. They are highly dangerous, being the second deadliest mental health illness, right behind opioid addiction. EDs can often be a coping skill or a tool for survival (not without its consequences, but a tool nonetheless). If your loved one is willing to share their experience, be there, listen, and believe them.
Approach with Compassion - If/when you decide to talk to your loved one, choose a time and place where they feel safe and comfortable. Use “I” statements, such as “I am concerned about you,” rather than “You” statements, such as “you seem off.” Offer compassion whenever possible through the recovery journey, as it can be long and difficult.
Listen actively - Active listening is crucial. This means giving them full attention, acknowledging feelings, and refraining from offering quick fixes or judgments. Your goal is to make them feel heard and understood, not offer solutions or criticize.
Encourage Professional Help - Gently encourage professional help. Eating disorders are serious mental health concerns that require a treatment team consisting of specialists like therapists, doctors, and dietitians. Offer to help them find a treatment provider or to accompany them to appointments.
Avoid Food and Body Talk - comments about weight, appearance, or food like “You just need to eat more” or “Why don’t you just stop eating so much” are not helpful and can be harmful. Even comments such as “you look so much healthier now” can be damaging, as folks with eating disorders are often ambivalent about pursuing recovery. Be cautious of how you talk about your own body and food. Refrain from labeling foods as “good,” “bad,” “healthy,” or “unhealthy.” Important to note: you will say the wrong thing, guaranteed. It might be worth opening a conversation around this and letting your loved one know you are receptive to feedback.
Be Patient - Recovery is a process, and it takes time. There will be ups and downs along the way. Let your loved one lead with how they want to be supported. Have an open and honest conversation about support. Consider asking them: “Hey, I’m feeling like I’m on the sidelines a bit, and I want to find a way I can support you. What can I do, or how would you like to be supported?” Maybe they need a listening ear, maybe they want some coaching, or maybe they don’t know how to be supported, and that’s okay, too. Sometimes, even knowing that someone is willing to help can be enough.
Take Care of Yourself - An eating disorder is a trauma to the person’s whole support system. Ensure you are also taking care of your own mental and emotional health, either through individual therapy or support groups for loved ones of those with eating disorders. Take time for self-care and stress-reducing activities. Focus on the moments of joy and connection. Take it one day at a time, and don’t lose hope.
Celebrate Small Victories - Celebrate small steps in the right direction, no matter how small they may seem. Recovery is not linear, and acknowledging progress can be very encouraging.
Avoid Control Battles - Avoid engaging in power struggles over food. You cannot force someone to eat or change their behavior, and trying to do so can often backfire. Offer empathy when things get hard.
Remember, while you can offer support, you are not responsible for the recovery of your loved one. It’s a journey they must undertake themselves, with professional guidance. Your role is to provide safety in the forms of love, understanding, and support as they navigate this challenging path. Looking for support for a loved one struggling with an eating disorder? Our dietitians can help. Contact us today to get started.
